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First Impression NFL Draft Grades 2017

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Some people spend their entire winter researching the NFL draft, putting out projections, and grading picks, but no one really knows what will happen. So instead, I decided to grade the top 10 picks of this year’s draft based purely on their appearance, personality, and overall aura at the draft. I did no prior research, and don’t know who most of these guys are. I also add a draft expert’s grade for comparison.

At the end of the season, I’ll look back and see if my first impression is more accurate than an expert who spent way to much time trying to learn about the players for no reason at all.

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1. Myles Garrett - Cleveland Browns

So first I’d like to thank Cleveland for using the entire draft clock and wasting 10 minutes of our lives, but Myles Garrett seems like a good dude. His best career move was coming to Texas A&M in 2014, the year after Manziel left. Who knows what one night partying with that guy could have led to, what a train wreck.

Instead of going to the draft, Garrett stayed home, and lounged on his couch in comfy clothes, mad respect for that. I’m going out on a limb and saying he won’t be an off the field distraction at all. What really brought this grade home for me was that he has freaking pythons for arms and a killer mustache. Nothing negative to say about him, I’d hang out with this guy on the daily.

I never thought I’d say this, but well done, Browns.

Expert Grade: A

Theintern Grade A+



2. Mitchell Trubisky - Chicago Bears

DISCLAIMER: I am a Vikings fan, so this may be biased.

First thing, LOL. Giving up all that draft capital to come up one spot and draft a QB who has barely played? Jolly good show Bears. Mitchell Trubisky just isn't the name of a winner, I'm sorry, it's just not. Can you hear them announcing the MVP of the league as “Mitchell Trubisky”? Me neither.

He does come with a bit of mystery, and I’m not talking about his football skills. While he is pretty sharp looking cat, which I appreciate, I could see him being a frat guy with a popped collar at some point. So mixed results there.

My favorite part was watching the overly large Chicago fans sitting in a sea of hotdog wrappers with a confused look on their faces. Their blood pressure was through the roof, what a terrible pick.

Expert Grade: D

Theintern Grade F



3. Soloman Thomas - San Francisco 49ers

Instant points for a pretty cool name and decent haircut, although he looks like a 35 year old Russel Wilson which is a big time negative. He saved it a bit with a great purple tie, and overall solid outfit. Seems like a nice enough guy, but that hug with the commish was a little long for my liking.

Expert Grade: A+

Theintern Grade C-



4. Leonard Fournette - Jacksonville Jaguars

Pros:

  • Probably the 2nd coolest name in the 1st round (can’t beat Taco Charlton)
  • Killer beard with general badassery
  • Vocals that are smooth like butter
  • The next Adrian Peterson
  • The Jacksonville Jaguars bought a bunch of TV mounts from us

Cons:

  • A bald head doesn’t complement a great beard very well
  • Slightly disappointing suit, it looked like something an insurance salesman who won’t stop calling you would be wear

The Jaguars are the unofficial NFL team of ECHOGEAR, and the pros by far outweigh the cons, take that for data.

Expert Grade: B+

Theintern Grade A+



5. Corey Davis - Tennessee Titans

I like this guy for the most part. PJ Fleck coached him (Row The Boat!), which means he won’t be “that guy” in the locker room. You know, the one all the other players want to duct tape to a field goal post. He was rocking a pretty solid pink jacket that may or may not have been made of recycled pool table felt. And although his tie was a little too short, which is a major fashion faux paw, he’s from a small school, and it’s cool that was drafted this high.

Expert Grade: A-

Theintern Grade B+



At this point the best thing happened in the draft, they played the Hall and Oates mega-hit “You Make My Dreams Come True” as the bumper music to the commercial. It was pure fire. Nothing gets me going like some H&A tunes.

Theintern Grade: A+



6. Jamal Adams - New York Jets

This guy’s style was the most interesting in the 1st round. Let’s start at the top, he has a sweet hair cut, a baller fade with some fro action on top. The suit was a little on the aggressive picnic table side, but I like the attempt. Adams had the top of his shirt buttoned down with no tie, bold move. To tie it all together, he wore some slipper/Crocs looking shoes that probably costed more than my rent.

His personality seemed pretty casual and cool, but he also might punch you in the face at any second. I don’t know, a little too unpredictable for me.

Expert Grade: A

Theintern Grade B-



7. Mike Williams - San Diego Chargers

So this is a bad pick up front, because all the “Mike Williams” receivers ever drafted in the 1st round have been busts. Just ask the Lions about that. On top of that, he was rocking a jean jacket an sailor hat beanie which was pretty damn weird. He is a slightly better looking DeAndre Hopkins with a slightly worse skill set (I assume). Also a poor attempt at a beard, leave that to the experts like Leonard Fournette.

Expert Grade: C+

Theintern Grade D+



8. Christian McCaffery - Carolina Panthers

Alright so I’m going to be honest, I went to blend another batch of margaritas during this pick and missed his interview, so we’ll be relying on my friend Theodore Corduroy's analysis.

McCaffery is trying to bust the white running back stereotype which is fun, and apparently the guy is more athletic than Shady McCoy which is nuts. So from that standpoint, great pick, he and Cam will go together like email scams and old people.

He loses points for what appears to be a completely emotion free personality. I couldn’t tell if they were interviewing McCaffery or some wet carpet. I like my players to be fun like Cordarrelle Patterson. Maybe he just woke up from a nap or had some bad chicken, so I’ll give him a bit of a break on this.

Expert Grade: A

Theintern Grade B+



9. John Ross - Cincinnati Bengals

This is the only player that I’ve seen get drafted that I weigh more than, so that’s probably not good. Although he looks like needs to eat a few extra sammies, that boy is fast. Hang on, I think I’ve seen this before…taken in the top 10…super fast…tends to drop passes….TROY WILLIAMSON! Stay away everyone, I still have nightmares of watching him drop wide open passes in my early teens. it was tragic.

On another note, he wore the same suit as Corey Davis, and while he pulled it off a little better, he’s gotta bring a backup. Remember how embarrassed your girlfriend was when that jive turkey wore the same dress as her at prom? Well this is like that. You’ve gotta have a spare jacket in your car to switch if someone stole your style. This just shows he isn’t prepared. I’m out on him and his boring name.

Expert Grade: B+

Theintern Grade F



10. Patrick Mahomes - Kansas City Chiefs

Who is this guy even? Let’s go through the vitals:

  • 13-16 record as a starter, ouch
  • Plays like Johnny Manziel
  • Looks like those kids at your high school that burned heaters during lunch

Need I say more?

Expert Grade: C

Theintern Grade D



Well, that wraps up my first annual first impression draft grades. We’ll look back after the season and see how my predictions compare to the expert's. Now we can look forward to the Vikings taking some boring lineman in the 2nd round and pretend to be okay with it. Get more fun receivers, less boring linemen. We’re from Minnesota, we aren’t going to win the Super Bowl, might as well have fun while being mediocre.

Theintern, out.

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