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Ranking Every Oreo Flavor At Our Local Grocery Store
Posted by Josh Soupir on May 30th 2019
Fireworks, baseball, and apple pie are widely considered to be the 3 most American things ever. I'd like to add Oreos, Costco hot dogs, and Rex Kwon Do to that list. You think our country got to where we are today because we dressed like Peter Pan over there?? Forget about it!
But let's focus on the Oreos.
Picture this. You mailed a letter and did laundry all in one day. And when you are that productive, you gotta treat yo' self to some heavily processed snacks. So you get in your Ford Taurus and head to the grocery store to pick up some Oreo's...but wait a minute... What is this? There are a billion flavors to choose from! Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie, Pistachio, Lemon? That's like choosing which Fast & Furious movie to watch, it's too overwhelming for a mere mortal to decide. Rather than deal with that kind of stress, you panic, grab a bag of Cheetos (NOT THE BAKED CHEETOS), and head home.
If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got great news for you. Here at Echogear, we put the customer first. Our team does the hard work so you don't have to, even if that means buying every flavor of Oreo and tasting-testing them. While it all sounds like fun and games, eating 12 Oreos in 5 minutes isn't great on the ol' GI tract. These quotes should give you a good preview:
"It smells like Wonka's factory in here."
"My stomach is betraying me...brb."
"I feel horrible and now I have to go look at spreadsheets. Thanks for that."
We do it all for you. Now, without further adieu, here are our Oreo cookie rankings based on the composite score of 15 "expert" reviews:
- Oreo flavors tasted: 12 (+ 1 bonus handcrafted flavor)
- Oreo tasting soundtrack: Meatloaf. Who knew that real-life Peter Pettigrew had so many jams??
- Productive office work after eating 12 Oreos in 5 minutes: 0.
- Don't ruin classic Oreos.
- Don't drink skim milk.
Last Place Horrible Mention: Reduced Fat Oreos
Did we try these? No. But we didn't need to because they are a waste of time. If you are looking to cut fat in your diet, that's fine, but there are 2 rules:
12. Birthday Cake Oreo
Score: 3.7/10
Coming in dead last is the Birthday Cake Oreo. In the words of Simon Cowel, it was absolutely dreadful. Only one thing is certain, it would ruin any birthday. If you've got enemies, this would make an excellent birthday gift, second only to sugar-free gummy bears. Here are some top comments from our panel of esteemed judges:
Pros:
Literally none. Not one pro was written for this glucose abomination. If this cookie were a movie, it'd be the live-action Tarzan.
Cons:
Straight sugar. Doesn't even deserve a rating.
Get ready to do nothing for the rest of the day. Sugar overload.
Why is this cookie chocolate? Birthday cake is vanilla. Dumb.
Birthday? More like death day. Get this thing away from me.
11. Red Velvet Cake Oreo
Score: 4.7/10
While the score of the Red Velvet Oreo was better than Birthday Cake, I'd argue the flavor was way worse. Honestly, it tasted like lead-based paint which if you don't know, is the worst tasting paint on the market.
Pros:
(This isn't really a "pro" but it's the closest thing to positivity on this cookie):
Thought these were good until I heard the "this tastes like paint" comment. And yes, they taste like paint. Damnit.
Cons:
More like sad velvet. A disgraceful waste of shelf space.
Looks cool, tastes like paint.
Really wanted to like it, but the after taste was offensive.
Yeah, this is disgusting.
10. Carrot Cake Oreo
Score: 4.8/10
There must be something about "cake" flavored Oreos that are brutal. Birthday Cake, Red Velvet Cake & Carrot Cake round out the bottom 3. For the record Carrot Cake is a delicious dessert despite the presence of vegetables. Let it be clear that these cookies don't count as a daily serving of vegetables, but do count as a daily serving of yuck.
Pros:
Decent carrot flavor, couldn't eat more than 1.
Tastes kinda like carrot cake I guess...
Cons:
The smell? Not right. The taste? Just wrong.
The spices are way off. Oh, and also it sucks.
It'd taste like carrot cake if the carrots were grown in a sewer.
#$*@ these cookies.
9. Fudge Covered Oreo
Score: 5.5/10
Perhaps the most "meh" cookie in the lineup was fudge covered original Oreos. Think of a perfectly good Oreo covered in shitty Advent calendar chocolate. It's just not necessary. There weren't many comments pro or con, and this cookie landed almost directly in the middle of the scale at 5.1/10. In my opinion, the "fudge" coating tasted like how fish food smells. Here's an accurate reenactment of eating this cookie:
8. Golden Thin Oreo
Score: 5.5/10
Finally getting to the (mostly) pleasant tasting cookies, the classic Golden Oreo is about the least offensive flavor on the planet. Vanilla cookie meets vanilla frosting. While that meant no funny reviews, it makes sense for this flavor:
Pros:
Pretty decent my dogs.
Better than the original Oreo IMO.
Gold Oreos > original Oreos.
Cons:
No cons...Again, plain flavor = no visceral reactions and no fun comments.
7. Salted Caramel Oreo
Score: 5.7/10
This cookie sounds like it'd be great, but that it was botched worse than a butt implant done in a dark Jacksonville alley. It was neither salty or caramelly (is this a word?) enough to move the meter, & is mostly a waste of time. For such a highly rated cookie, the positive comments were far fewer than the negatives.
Pros:
Top shelf! Crisp, light, & subtle.
Cons:
Waste of time & calories.
Smells weird, tastes worse.
The caramel tastes like butt.
6. Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie Oreo
Score: 5.9/10
Coming in 6th place was the Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie. It had some serious potential because when chocolate and peanut butter come together, the world becomes a better place. However, this cookie falls flat as the flavors are too passive. It's just not good at being peanut butter, chocolate, or pie.
Pros:
One? Pretty good. Two? Too many. Can I buy a pack of 1?
It's okay.
Cons:
Not enough chocolate or peanut butter flavor. Just sugar. Too much sugar.
Don't waste your time with these Oreos, just get a Reese's and ride the wave to flavor town like the human vape pen, Guy Fieri.
5. Pistachio Thin Oreo
Score: 6.3/10
Perhaps the most polarizing Oreo flavor on the planet is Pistachio. Why? Because it doesn't taste anything like the nut we all love to crack & snack. Instead, it's a cross of vanilla cake and marzipan. In combination with the chocolate Oreo cookie, I thought these were absolutely dynamite. It's the only Oreo on this list I couldn't stop eating. It even made its way into one of our product videos:
Pros:
*Kim K voice* I'm obsessed with these.
Does it taste anything like pistachios? No. But it tastes like marzipan, and I like that.
Unique & delightfully different.
Tastes like angel food cake and childhood.
Cons:
These taste like a dirty urinal cake.
Makes my mouth nervous.
Seriously WTF is this flavor?
4. Coconut Creme Oreo
Score: 6.3/10
In perhaps the biggest shock since Arya gutted the Night King, Coconut Creme came in hot as the #4 Oreo on our list. Before the tasting, these were getting all sorts of back-handed comments, so jump to #4 is almost as impressive as Neville Longbottom's glow up.
Pros:
Surprisingly refreshing & tropical. Bring on the beach!
I expected this to taste like a sunscreen & warm Malibu cocktail. It didn't. Pretty decent.
I hate coconut but this was a real surprise. Shockingly great.
Cons:
I love coconut but that's trash
It needs rum. Why is the rum always gone?
3. Lemon Thin Oreo
Score: 6.9/10
You've made it to the top 3. These are Echogear approved Oreo flavors that you can buy with confidence. With the funniest composite score of all the Oreos we ranked, is Lemon. It featured a thin Golden Oreo cookie with lemon filling that had essence of Fruit Loop.
Pros:
Tastes like floor cleaner. But good.
*Editor's note: I'm concerned this person may be abusing floor cleaner & there's an intervention scheduled for 3 pm next Tuesday, if you're free.*
When life hands you lemon Oreos, you eat them hard & fast.
These taste identical to the Girl Scout Lemon Sandwich Cookies before they replaced them with the terrible Lemon Smiles. 10/10.
Happy mouth hole!
Cons:
The only con was perhaps the most Minnesotan thing ever said:
"Too zesty."
How a sugary fake lemon flavor could be considered "zesty" is beyond me, but that's the kind of stuff you hear in the Midwest where ketchup is considered spicy.
2. Mint Thin Oreo
Score: 7.3/10
It should be no surprise that a chocolate/mint cookie is in the top 2. This flavor combo is the Cyndi Lauper of cookies. And by that I mean it keeps the crowd coming back for more time after time. Girl Scout Thin Mints are legendary, so how does Oreo's version stack up?
Pros:
Tastes like a Thin Mint but instead of funding the hopes and dreams of young girls, you fund corporate greed. Fun!
Delicious. Not as good as a Thin Mint, but tasty.
Damn Daniel! Light & as good as Thin Mints.
Crisp & delicious, but it also freshens your breath. Win-win.
Cons:
Just brush your teeth and eat normal Oreos if you want this. I for one, do not want this.
1. Original Oreo Thins
Score: 7.4/10
In perhaps the worst ending since Sandy Bullock's Birdbox, the Original Oreo Thins took the crown as our office's favorite flavor of Oreo. They are delicious, so it's hard to argue, but with so little to comment on I feel like our #1 cookie fell flat. With that being said, here is the real climax to the blog.
The Frankencookie:
Score: 10/10 for stomach aches & cold sweats.
Featuring 7 different flavors of Oreo cream, this handcrafted beast was forged in depths of hell to destroy the bowels of any fool unfortunate enough to consume it. Lucky for us, our Emmy award-winning Canadian videographer, Rob, volunteered as tribute. While he may never be the same, he'll always be the legend who took down the Frankencookie and lived to tell the tale.
So that's a wrap on the Echogear Oreo tasting palooza. If you think we're complete idiots with horrible palates let us know below. If your comments are funny and won't get me fired, I'll add your review to the blog.
Thanks for reading. Enjoy the rest of your day, and always remember: Keep sneezin' so you can stay blessed.