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NCAA Basketball Tournament Mascot Dream Team

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We made it to the most wonderful (basketball) time of the year. Between secretly watching games at work, and blowing half your paycheck on brackets that you will definitely lose, it's the most exciting time to be a hoops fan. But, we all know that picking the winners in the tournament has a worse percentage than Shaq at the free throw line. So, instead of giving you some BS basketball insights into what teams to pick, I figured my time was better spent picking the mascot dream team from this year's tourney. Think you’ve got a better starting 5? Comment below and we can argue about it.

AND NOW, YOUR STARTING LINEUP! (play song to increase level of feels)

Point Guard

Starting at point guard, he’s the master of running and gunning, the veteran, Pistol Pete the Oklahoma State Cowboy.

If someone is going to be running the show, I want it to be this guy. He’s an old grizzled veteran reminding me of a bearded Ed Monix. He puts the “fun” in fundamentals, has elite dribbling with both hands, and his lightning quick passing negates the fact that he often comes to the court smelling like Black Velvet and Marlboro's. So what if he has to ice his knees at halftime, he puts his heart into the game, and I like that. I mean with a name like Pistol Pete, you have to be the point guard.

NBA Comparison: Pistol Pete Maravich

Shooting Guard

At shooting guard, blowing kisses to the crowd and hitting 3’s from downtown, Cavman The Virginia Cavalier.

When you can coral this guy off the streets from gallivanting and showing out for the ladies, he is an absolute assassin from deep. His defense is James Harden level atrocious, but when he shoots 50% from 3, no one cares what else he brings to the team. He spends more time grooming his facial hair than working on his game, but is just a sniper with unlimited range.

Once in a while he’ll yell “HEAT CHECK” and chuck one up from 30 feet, but you just have to deal with that. Cavman also has terrible ankles as evidenced by those horrible shoes he wears, but it helps him avoid another season ending injury, and doesn’t seem to effect his game with the ladies.

NBA Comparison: Kyle Korver 

Small Forward

At small forward, he’s got more dunks than Earth Wind and Fire’s got funk, Rudy Flyer The Dayton Flyer.

This guys lives up to his name. He can absolutely sky. While he sometimes struggles with his shot, his powerful dunks ignite entire arenas, like one literally burned down. He is also a lock down defender who yells “SHOT!” even when the opponent is shooting free throws.

Unfortunately, Rudy always thinks he’s open, and has been known to throw up fadeaway jumpers while double teamed. His famous catch phrase is to yell “gimmie them cookies” every time he gets a steal, and his signature dunk is the windmill from the free throw line.

NBA Comparison: An overly caffeinated Gerald Green 

Power Forward

At power forward, fear the beard of Emmit S. Burg the Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineer.

Think of this guy as the more badass version of Brian Scalbrine. He will bring you a healthy stat line of 2.3 PPG, 7 RPG, and 5 FPG (fouls per game). While he isn’t on the court long due to foul trouble, he will intimidate the other team with his physical inside play, as well as his Kevin Garnett-esque trash talk. He grew up playing hockey and once punched a ref, but brings true grit to the squad like Jeff Bridges. He’s the guy you love to have on your team, but hate to play against.

NBA Comparison: Draymond Green 


At center, he can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, but he’s tall, Purdue Pete.

This guy brings the hammer, literally. Hailing from Lithuania with the personality of a wet paper bag, he has a cold dead stare and doesn’t really understand humor. He tries to dunk on everyone, but it doesn’t really work due to his 22” vertical.

Luckily, he is 7’ 2” and his layup form is impeccable. His chin looks like it was carved from the finest marble, and his the only thing lower than his paltry 42% free throw percentage is the number of English words he understands. But damnit, he tries hard.

NBA Comparison: Shawn Bradley

While this starting lineup isn’t without it’s flaws, it’s still the best mascot dream team from the 2017 NCAA Basketball Tournament, because I’m pretty sure no one else has made one. Think I’m wrong? Comment below.

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